had telephoned him out of the blue. I was enveloped by waves of being overwhelmed with joy and horrible emerald doctoral thesis award loss in the gain of an entire family. It was more like a guerrilla war. Here's the thing: if you're not comfortable with maintaining the relationship, you can't let them guilt you into. I thought that I'd be able to ignore the fact that he wasn't there, and that I could forgive the reasons why he wasn't. This is something I struggle with, and I think it would be best to face. The very real hurt and longing I felt as a child and teenager have been diluted with age. A grandfather was a school master at a boys' boarding school, and he had once been in the "old IRA".
You'll have to face what should've and might have been. I felt no desire to hug him. One day when I was off school sick, my mum started a conversation in the kitchen of our anonymous, pebble-dashed semi in Suffolk, explaining that Robert had adopted. The article I wrote last week Growing Up Without A Family briefly touched on the absence of my biological father.
From what I can gather, the climate at the time was too alien, too fast and furious, for a relationship bred in rural Ireland to survive. I was a confused 19-year-old student in desperate search of a sense of identity from a father Id never met. But in my case there was a certain pertinence: it was the first time I had ever met him. Not the ogre, the "callous bastard I had conjured up in my youthful mind in place of anything tangible. Holding a grudge for what cannot be undone serves no one. From then till that phone call, no contact. You can't immediately accept the reality of a whole new family. It wasn't like a reunion video between parents and children returning from the military, where everyone runs into each other's arms happy. I was certain that he was my knight in shinning armor, and if I found him he'd rescue me from my abusive mother. Now I had a physical being to insert into those stories. Now I know I have a ton of cousins that I'll never meet and never get along with.
A moment that changed me: meeting my father for the first time Nick
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